Fresh Start
(AKA Why are the things that are good for you so hard?)
The other day, Michael and I were taking a walk around his neighborhood, and somehow we started talking about writing. From the very beginning he's always been really supportive of my wanting to be a writer, even though he has no particular idea if I'd be any good at it. I don't really have any idea if I'd be good at it - and that is the issue. I move in and out of writing moods - three or four years ago, I was writing several times a week. A thought would come into my head, and I'd want to get it out on paper. Now that rarely happens, or if it does, I never follow through. It's like eating right, or exercising, or making the really cool whatever that I saw on Pinterest - things that take effort and time never seem to get done, even when I know I'd be happy I did it after the fact. I would love to be a writer. I'd love to be able to play the guitar. But instead I spend a lot of my time outside of work doing nothing on the internet or watching tv. It's like life is a giant vegetable I don't want to eat.
Except it's not. I hate vegetables. I love writing. I seriously want to be a writer. But part of me is so scared I'll be shitty at it that I don't even want to try. That's problem #1. I vacillate between wanting people to read what I write and being afraid every word that comes out is crap.
Problem #2: I don't like people looking at me. Think about it - words come from that inner voice in your head. It's crippling to know that people are going to hear that voice in your head and judge it. It makes me feel like everything has to be perfect, or that I have to preemptively justify everything I say. Writing is such a personal thing, even when you try to not make it personal. It makes you vulnerable. Having a blog also makes me feel self-absorbed, and the truth is I am - let's face it: it takes some self-absorption to 1) think you have anything worth saying 2) think it's a good idea to start a blog about your life. Maybe all writers are a little self-absorbed because they spend so much time inside their heads. And I think that's okay.
Problem #3: Habit. Writing has to be made into a habit, but it's so much easier to say, "I'll write later" than to actually make the time for it. When it's a habit, then you don't have to worry so much about your writing being shitty - if one piece out of 10 is tolerable, it's a win, right? Making it a habit means you don't wait to write until you have something awesome to say, so you don't feel that immense pressure to make every word great.
So I know if I want to be a writer, I need to just suck it up and do it. Problems #1 and 2 are just wimping out - don't I have more confidence than that? Come on, Haley. And here's the thing - real writers don't just write something that's awesome and then move on to the next thing that's awesome. Real writers write shit. They write horrible paragraphs of self-absorbed drivel, or politically incorrect, opinionated rants with no logical backing, or just seriously badly-written trash. But they keep writing - they hone their craft, they show people something when it's good, and they farm the trash for something that can be rescued. Writing needs to be practiced.
Michael's solution to this was for me to start an anonymous blog and not even tell him about it. In his mind, that would free me up to write what I want, even if I'm writing about him, without feeling self-conscious or censored. I love him for that, and I'm tempted to do it. I could also just do what I've done in the past and write in a journal. But I think it'd make me a stronger person and writer if I can get over this aversion to letting people inside my head. I do want people to read what I write. Besides - with us getting married and hopefully getting a house soon, I feel like I'm going to have lots of thoughts to share.
So here we go again. Another attempt at a blog - but this one I'm not going to quit. I named this one "perforation problems" because of a letter I read once on lettersofnote.com. It's a letter from Iggy Pop to one of his fans - I really don't know much about Iggy Pop, but this line stood out to me:
The other day, Michael and I were taking a walk around his neighborhood, and somehow we started talking about writing. From the very beginning he's always been really supportive of my wanting to be a writer, even though he has no particular idea if I'd be any good at it. I don't really have any idea if I'd be good at it - and that is the issue. I move in and out of writing moods - three or four years ago, I was writing several times a week. A thought would come into my head, and I'd want to get it out on paper. Now that rarely happens, or if it does, I never follow through. It's like eating right, or exercising, or making the really cool whatever that I saw on Pinterest - things that take effort and time never seem to get done, even when I know I'd be happy I did it after the fact. I would love to be a writer. I'd love to be able to play the guitar. But instead I spend a lot of my time outside of work doing nothing on the internet or watching tv. It's like life is a giant vegetable I don't want to eat.
Except it's not. I hate vegetables. I love writing. I seriously want to be a writer. But part of me is so scared I'll be shitty at it that I don't even want to try. That's problem #1. I vacillate between wanting people to read what I write and being afraid every word that comes out is crap.
Problem #2: I don't like people looking at me. Think about it - words come from that inner voice in your head. It's crippling to know that people are going to hear that voice in your head and judge it. It makes me feel like everything has to be perfect, or that I have to preemptively justify everything I say. Writing is such a personal thing, even when you try to not make it personal. It makes you vulnerable. Having a blog also makes me feel self-absorbed, and the truth is I am - let's face it: it takes some self-absorption to 1) think you have anything worth saying 2) think it's a good idea to start a blog about your life. Maybe all writers are a little self-absorbed because they spend so much time inside their heads. And I think that's okay.
Problem #3: Habit. Writing has to be made into a habit, but it's so much easier to say, "I'll write later" than to actually make the time for it. When it's a habit, then you don't have to worry so much about your writing being shitty - if one piece out of 10 is tolerable, it's a win, right? Making it a habit means you don't wait to write until you have something awesome to say, so you don't feel that immense pressure to make every word great.
So I know if I want to be a writer, I need to just suck it up and do it. Problems #1 and 2 are just wimping out - don't I have more confidence than that? Come on, Haley. And here's the thing - real writers don't just write something that's awesome and then move on to the next thing that's awesome. Real writers write shit. They write horrible paragraphs of self-absorbed drivel, or politically incorrect, opinionated rants with no logical backing, or just seriously badly-written trash. But they keep writing - they hone their craft, they show people something when it's good, and they farm the trash for something that can be rescued. Writing needs to be practiced.
Michael's solution to this was for me to start an anonymous blog and not even tell him about it. In his mind, that would free me up to write what I want, even if I'm writing about him, without feeling self-conscious or censored. I love him for that, and I'm tempted to do it. I could also just do what I've done in the past and write in a journal. But I think it'd make me a stronger person and writer if I can get over this aversion to letting people inside my head. I do want people to read what I write. Besides - with us getting married and hopefully getting a house soon, I feel like I'm going to have lots of thoughts to share.
So here we go again. Another attempt at a blog - but this one I'm not going to quit. I named this one "perforation problems" because of a letter I read once on lettersofnote.com. It's a letter from Iggy Pop to one of his fans - I really don't know much about Iggy Pop, but this line stood out to me:
‘perforation problems’ by the way means to me also the holes that will always exist in any story we try to make of our lives.This could mean a couple different things and has meant different things to me at different times, but at this particular moment, I'm taking it to mean that any attempt I make to turn my life into writing will have holes in it. Sometimes what's in my head won't accurately translate to the page, or I have a problem with wanting to portray things as better or more Romantic than they are (notice "Romantic" with a big R - I'll cover that later). There will be moments in which I unconsciously drift from the truth, or moments in which I fill in or just miscommunicate what's actually in my head, but that's okay. It's just perforation problems. Iggy Pop finishes with, "so hang on, my love, and grow big and strong and take your hits and keep going." I'm going to hang on and turn myself into a writer, even if I'm a shitty writer, because I do love it.