Poison Ivy HORROR
I caught poison ivy last Sunday while clearing out a grassy area in our yard. I had a grand vision of a beautiful, brightly colored wildflower area that would magically take care of itself. That vision went so horribly wrong. It didn't even occur to me that there might be poison ivy in the yard. Come to think of it, I've never even really thought about poison ivy, period. Well, friend, let me tell you -- I've thought about it a lot in the last four days. I have a wealth of knowledge about poison ivy now.
For example: did you know that urushiol, the oil in poison ivy that causes these giant red welts that are currently all over my body, is basically an indestructible, immortal, vicious substance that lives forever? I know "immortal" and "lives forever" are synonyms but I really wanted to drive my point home there. You can kill poison ivy by smothering it for a year, but if you take the cover off and touch the dead plant, you'll still get a rash. You can dig up poison ivy with a shovel, put the shovel away, wait three years, get the shovel back out, and catch poison ivy from the urushiol oil still chillin' out on the shovel handle. Your dog can carry it in the house and infect you. You can step on some leaves in the yard, bring the oil in the house on your shoes, get it on the carpet, and then catch a rash three months later when you sit down on the carpet.
These are all facts, guys. I read them.
ALSO -- urushiol can hide out in your body for a couple days, so you don't even realize the horror that's coming. You're just going along, living life, oblivious...then suddenly you feel a little itchy. "Oh, maybe I have a bug bite," you say.
Then by the end of the day, it's multiple bug bites.
Then it starts to look like maybe you're having an allergic reaction.
And then SUDDENLY IT'S EVERYWHERE, NEW SPOTS POPPING UP BY THE HOUR FOR DAYS.
It even travels under your skin, like some kind of insidious gopher, popping up on parts of your body that could not have been exposed to it...like your stomach.
It's horrible. That's my point. I'm covered in itchy, red, achy, swollen welts. On my arms, on my legs, on my stomach, on my face.
And I think maybe you can understand why I am insanely paranoid now. I'm convinced it's all over Clyde, like he's been rolling around in it. I went out to the scene of the crime Friday to plant more seeds, and I immediately felt like I was in a toxic nuclear waste zone. I think the chances of me touching any of it out there are like .001, especially since it's been raining all week and that area is all cleared of plants now, but that doesn't matter. I still came right in, took my gardening gloves off with one finger, peeled off my long sleeves and long pants, and immediately got in the shower. A cold shower, because warm showers open up your pores and let the poison get in faster. I soaped up three times. AHHH THE ANXIETY.
So now, even though I've lived here two years in blissful ignorance with no problems whatsoever, my backyard has become an evil danger zone out to get me. There could be poison ivy plants still out there in the wooded area, waiting, plotting. I have an intense need to get out the weed killer and go destroy them, immediately. But not without a full body suit and mask, and three showers after.
So, that's how I feel right now. I'm very itchy, I wake up every night around 2am feeling like my skin is on fire and I MUST. ITCH. IT. OFF, and I'm doped up on steroids. Juicin'. I should be better in about 2 weeks. And maybe someday I'll forget about this and be able to enjoy my backyard again. But not until I destroy it all.
Horrible. Stay away from poison ivy. "Has three leaves, let it be." Here's a picture for you.
P.S. I don't think Michael understands the seriousness of this problem. As I was poking my yard work shoes after their second run through the washer, saying I still didn't quite trust them, he said, "you probably didn't even need to wash them."
PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO WASH THEM???
He did buy me these today, though:
For example: did you know that urushiol, the oil in poison ivy that causes these giant red welts that are currently all over my body, is basically an indestructible, immortal, vicious substance that lives forever? I know "immortal" and "lives forever" are synonyms but I really wanted to drive my point home there. You can kill poison ivy by smothering it for a year, but if you take the cover off and touch the dead plant, you'll still get a rash. You can dig up poison ivy with a shovel, put the shovel away, wait three years, get the shovel back out, and catch poison ivy from the urushiol oil still chillin' out on the shovel handle. Your dog can carry it in the house and infect you. You can step on some leaves in the yard, bring the oil in the house on your shoes, get it on the carpet, and then catch a rash three months later when you sit down on the carpet.
These are all facts, guys. I read them.
ALSO -- urushiol can hide out in your body for a couple days, so you don't even realize the horror that's coming. You're just going along, living life, oblivious...then suddenly you feel a little itchy. "Oh, maybe I have a bug bite," you say.
Then by the end of the day, it's multiple bug bites.
Then it starts to look like maybe you're having an allergic reaction.
And then SUDDENLY IT'S EVERYWHERE, NEW SPOTS POPPING UP BY THE HOUR FOR DAYS.
It even travels under your skin, like some kind of insidious gopher, popping up on parts of your body that could not have been exposed to it...like your stomach.
It's horrible. That's my point. I'm covered in itchy, red, achy, swollen welts. On my arms, on my legs, on my stomach, on my face.
And I think maybe you can understand why I am insanely paranoid now. I'm convinced it's all over Clyde, like he's been rolling around in it. I went out to the scene of the crime Friday to plant more seeds, and I immediately felt like I was in a toxic nuclear waste zone. I think the chances of me touching any of it out there are like .001, especially since it's been raining all week and that area is all cleared of plants now, but that doesn't matter. I still came right in, took my gardening gloves off with one finger, peeled off my long sleeves and long pants, and immediately got in the shower. A cold shower, because warm showers open up your pores and let the poison get in faster. I soaped up three times. AHHH THE ANXIETY.
So now, even though I've lived here two years in blissful ignorance with no problems whatsoever, my backyard has become an evil danger zone out to get me. There could be poison ivy plants still out there in the wooded area, waiting, plotting. I have an intense need to get out the weed killer and go destroy them, immediately. But not without a full body suit and mask, and three showers after.
So, that's how I feel right now. I'm very itchy, I wake up every night around 2am feeling like my skin is on fire and I MUST. ITCH. IT. OFF, and I'm doped up on steroids. Juicin'. I should be better in about 2 weeks. And maybe someday I'll forget about this and be able to enjoy my backyard again. But not until I destroy it all.
Horrible. Stay away from poison ivy. "Has three leaves, let it be." Here's a picture for you.
P.S. I don't think Michael understands the seriousness of this problem. As I was poking my yard work shoes after their second run through the washer, saying I still didn't quite trust them, he said, "you probably didn't even need to wash them."
PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN NEED TO WASH THEM???
He did buy me these today, though: