PPPPFFFFTTTT
Day Three:
"Let's loosen up: share a side-splitting story from the last year. What made you laugh out loud until tears formed? What made you giggle every time it was referenced? Whether it's a story, an image, a video – we want to hear about the banana peel on the floor, your best practical joke, or gems from the mind of a three-year-old. Whether it's sassy, sarcastic, or just plain silly: make us laugh!"
This is a lot of pressure. Not just a funny story, but a side-splitting story?
When I think of the funniest story I know, it's not one from the last year. It's a few years old. I'll tell it to you anyway.
I had a friend who, for health reasons, had to get regular colonoscopies. He didn't have any family nearby and his girlfriend was in grad school across the country, so he had to rely on friends to take him to the hospital. A little awkward, right? But my friend is a very good-natured fellow, and he took it all in stride.
So one day he asks if I'll take him to the hospital, wait while he has the procedure done, and then drive him back to his apartment. He's my friend, so of course I say yes. On the way there, he tries to prep me:
"All you should have to do is sit in the waiting room, and then they'll come out and tell you when I'm done, and you'll have to go get the car."
"Okay."
"I'll probably be pretty drugged up, and I might say some strange things."
"Really?"
"Yes, and I won't remember what I say later, so you'll have to tell me."
"Let's loosen up: share a side-splitting story from the last year. What made you laugh out loud until tears formed? What made you giggle every time it was referenced? Whether it's a story, an image, a video – we want to hear about the banana peel on the floor, your best practical joke, or gems from the mind of a three-year-old. Whether it's sassy, sarcastic, or just plain silly: make us laugh!"
This is a lot of pressure. Not just a funny story, but a side-splitting story?
When I think of the funniest story I know, it's not one from the last year. It's a few years old. I'll tell it to you anyway.
I had a friend who, for health reasons, had to get regular colonoscopies. He didn't have any family nearby and his girlfriend was in grad school across the country, so he had to rely on friends to take him to the hospital. A little awkward, right? But my friend is a very good-natured fellow, and he took it all in stride.
So one day he asks if I'll take him to the hospital, wait while he has the procedure done, and then drive him back to his apartment. He's my friend, so of course I say yes. On the way there, he tries to prep me:
"All you should have to do is sit in the waiting room, and then they'll come out and tell you when I'm done, and you'll have to go get the car."
"Okay."
"I'll probably be pretty drugged up, and I might say some strange things."
"Really?"
"Yes, and I won't remember what I say later, so you'll have to tell me."
Everything goes as planned. We get to the waiting room, they call his name, he goes back there, and I sit and work on my computer / take a surreptitious picture of the handmade poster in the corner titled "Why You Should Get a Colonoscopy." (I just spent 20 minutes trying to find this picture for you, but no luck).*
And then things veer off course.
The nurse comes out. "Okay, we're ready for you to come back!"
"What?"
"He's done. We're ready for you."
I am sure there's panic on my face. "Um, does he want me to do that? Did he say I should?"
She looks at me strangely. "He didn't say he didn't want you to."
I'm not sure what to do. Do I refuse? Maybe he forgot to tell me they'd want me to go back. Maybe this is normal. Is this part of my friendly duty? The nurse stands there expectantly.
"Uh, okay."
She leads me back through a white hallway and into a long room partitioned off into little curtained areas. I can tell there are people behind the curtains, but I'm trying not to look. I'm just trying to pretend like I'm supposed to be there, like this is all old hat. Of course I've been there in the aftermath of colonoscopies before. Pish posh! Just a normal Tuesday.
We go behind a curtain, and there's my friend, lying on a bed, fast asleep.
"He'll start to wake up pretty soon. The doctor will be in to talk with you both momentarily."
She points me towards a chair and leaves. My anxiety is jumping all over the place. She must think I'm his girlfriend or a family member. Is my friend going to be mad or embarrassed I'm back here? Do the other people who take him normally come back here? I shouldn't have come back.
Suddenly I start to notice the sounds going on around me. It sounds like...yes, it is the distinct sound of farting. Very windy farts, in fact, up and down the hall, at random intervals from different directions. Pffffffttt. Pffffffttt. Pffffffttt.
I grab my Nook from my bag and pretend to read, trying to distract myself. Pffffffttt. I read the same page 5 times. A maniac giggle rises in my throat.
The curtain swings back and I jump -- it's the doctor. He greets me like an old friend, talking fast.
"Hello, there! How are we doing, today? Everything went great -- no problems. How are you doing, buddy?" He nudges my friend.
My friend grumbles a little but doesn't move.
"All right," the doctor says, patting him on the shoulder. "I'm going to put a little cup of water here by your bed if you need it. You start to wake up, okay? Have you passed gas yet?"
Oh my god.
My friend does not respond. At least he won't remember this. Maybe he won't even remember that I was back here, let alone that I was privy to this conversation.
"I'll be back in a few," the doctor says. "We'll give him a little more time to wake up. Let me know if he passes gas."
I nod and make some kind of noise in the affirmative, and then I'm alone again, just sitting there, waiting for my drugged-up, drowsy friend to pass gas.
After ten minutes or so, the nurse comes back in.
"Anything?"
"No."
She shakes her head, pushes her glasses back, and moves over to adjust the bed.
"All right, son, let's just try to move you on your side. Maybe that will help squeeze the air out."
She helps him on his side and leaves again. He still looks like he's asleep and has made no indication that he knows I'm there, so I'm still hoping he'll never be the wiser. We'll just go back to normal. What? This is what happens between you and your doctor? I had no idea. I'm just your driver.
And then, in the relative silence of that little 10 x 8 curtained area, comes a noise.
PPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
My friend has farted.
Everything is still for a moment. Then I hear another noise. In a small, half awake voice, my friend says,
"Bingo."
Even now, years later, I can't keep from laughing when I hear that again in my head. "Bingo."
Having successfully completed his task, my friend is now free to be driven home. His doctor comes in and gives us both very detailed descriptions of what he saw during the colonoscopy, an event my friend forgets entirely three minutes later and then again in the car. And I leave him, feeling fairly certain he will not remember any of this the next time I see him.
But there we are a few weeks later, in the middle of an otherwise normal conversation, and he pauses to say,
"...I need to ask. Did I say 'Bingo?'"
And I find it doesn't matter at all that that it was awkward, because let's be honest, it was also freakin' hilarious. And sometimes the best memories are made from awkward adventures with friends.
*I know colonoscopies are serious business, but come on. If you can't laugh at a homemade colonoscopy poster, what can you laugh at?