On Eating Clean
"Michael and I are going to try clean eating." I drop it into the conversation casually as we're making strawberry jam from the strawberries we picked that morning. It's a yearly tradition.
My mother looks at me sideways and makes a noise I'll describe as a scoff, though I'm not sure how intentional it is. "Clean eating?"
I rush to downplay it. "Yeah, mostly just looking at labels and trying to avoid anything that's too processed. Just to try to eat healthier."
"Does that mean no Dairy Queen blizzards?" She laughs.
"Yeah, no Dairy Queen blizzards."
I know why she brings up Dairy Queen blizzards. They're a staple of summer, a treat we get on the way home from my grandparents' lake house to make ourselves feel better about having to leave the lake and go back to real life. It's not that my mom is against eating healthy – she and my dad have been eating better over the last few years and she in general is pretty good about exercising and watching her food. But in my family food is a treat. It's something to make yourself feel better, something to look forward to, something to relish. If you get a chance to have a blizzard or a cookie, you eat it because you'll enjoy it, not because you're necessarily hungry.
That's always how I've looked at food. I love food. One of my favorite things in the world is a chocolate chip cookie, and I have no desire to give that up. But I've also always struggled with my weight and know I always will – it's not something that just stops being an issue, even when you're a healthy weight.
When I was at my heaviest I was about 215 pounds. That's right when I met Michael, something I'll always be thankful for, because he didn't give a shit. When I first told him I was going to try a weight loss program with a friend from work and that I was tired of being overweight, he said, "But you're not overweight." And that wasn't lip service. He genuinely believed it, and when I told him that according to the BMI chart and the nutritionist I was legitimately, scientifically obese, he pretty much ignored me. Love <3.
Food and weight are things that are fraught with emotion, especially for girls. Ask most women and they'll tell you they have a complicated relationship with food. My grandma once told me I would be so pretty if I "started taking care of myself," a conversation that left me crying in the back bedroom and refusing food for the next two weeks. I lost 10 pounds, so it was all good. When I was 13 I tried on a dress in a smaller size than I normally wear and told my mother, "See? I'm not fat!" I'm absolutely sure she had never called me fat – it was just something I had internalized way before it actually became a problem.
I developed horrible eating habits growing up and I used food to make myself feel better. I was a picky eater as a child and never really got over it as an adult – there are still foods I've never tried, vegetables I don't know how to prepare, basic tastes that are completely unfamiliar. I've gotten way better with trying new foods, enjoying vegetables, and just generally eating healthier, but it's always something I have to think about. Food is so tied into my emotions. If I'm stressed out, I want a cookie. If I'm upset, I want a cookie. If I'm happy, I want a cookie. If I'm hanging out with a friend or it's a special occasion, I want a cookie. I love cookies. I want a cookie right now, and I'm in a bakery writing this, so it's a Herculean task to not go get one.
But here's the thing – weight loss always seemed so difficult to me (and it is, no doubt about it) and so unobtainable because eating healthy always seemed tedious and horrible. It was always about giving up things you love. Who wants to eat crappy food when you could eat good food? I almost cried the first night of the weight loss program, when everyone else was eating pizza and I ate a salad. It felt like a real loss. But I've learned that it doesn't have to be tedious and horrible. It doesn't have to feel like a loss. I've learned there are healthy foods I love and enjoy, and healthier versions of just about everything. Gradually over time the crappy food has started to taste less good and be less satisfying. This clean eating thing has felt like an adventure – Michael and I are cooking together, we're trying new things. And as for the cookies and the things I really love, I can still have them. I just have to fill in with good food that fuels my body and makes me feel better – and it does make me feel better. When I'm eating well, I feel lighter, more graceful, healthier. I feel better.
I say all this now but I know that there will be times where I gorge myself on nachos or cookies or chocolate. Tonight when I go to my parents' house to celebrate my brother's birthday there will be pizza and brownies and ice cream. Nobody wants to be the asshole who's eating a salad when everyone else is eating pizza. This weekend we'll be at the lake and there'll be delicious food that will be hard to resist. I'll want to eat it all, and it'll be easy to default back to old habits. And then it'll take me days to get back on track afterwards. It's always going to be a struggle. But I think I've realized that's just going to be life for me. As long as I can be healthy 80% of the time, the other 20% is okay. The other 20% is the blizzard. Just as long as I haven't spent the rest of the day eating cookies.
My mother looks at me sideways and makes a noise I'll describe as a scoff, though I'm not sure how intentional it is. "Clean eating?"
I rush to downplay it. "Yeah, mostly just looking at labels and trying to avoid anything that's too processed. Just to try to eat healthier."
"Does that mean no Dairy Queen blizzards?" She laughs.
"Yeah, no Dairy Queen blizzards."
I know why she brings up Dairy Queen blizzards. They're a staple of summer, a treat we get on the way home from my grandparents' lake house to make ourselves feel better about having to leave the lake and go back to real life. It's not that my mom is against eating healthy – she and my dad have been eating better over the last few years and she in general is pretty good about exercising and watching her food. But in my family food is a treat. It's something to make yourself feel better, something to look forward to, something to relish. If you get a chance to have a blizzard or a cookie, you eat it because you'll enjoy it, not because you're necessarily hungry.
That's always how I've looked at food. I love food. One of my favorite things in the world is a chocolate chip cookie, and I have no desire to give that up. But I've also always struggled with my weight and know I always will – it's not something that just stops being an issue, even when you're a healthy weight.
When I was at my heaviest I was about 215 pounds. That's right when I met Michael, something I'll always be thankful for, because he didn't give a shit. When I first told him I was going to try a weight loss program with a friend from work and that I was tired of being overweight, he said, "But you're not overweight." And that wasn't lip service. He genuinely believed it, and when I told him that according to the BMI chart and the nutritionist I was legitimately, scientifically obese, he pretty much ignored me. Love <3.
Food and weight are things that are fraught with emotion, especially for girls. Ask most women and they'll tell you they have a complicated relationship with food. My grandma once told me I would be so pretty if I "started taking care of myself," a conversation that left me crying in the back bedroom and refusing food for the next two weeks. I lost 10 pounds, so it was all good. When I was 13 I tried on a dress in a smaller size than I normally wear and told my mother, "See? I'm not fat!" I'm absolutely sure she had never called me fat – it was just something I had internalized way before it actually became a problem.
I developed horrible eating habits growing up and I used food to make myself feel better. I was a picky eater as a child and never really got over it as an adult – there are still foods I've never tried, vegetables I don't know how to prepare, basic tastes that are completely unfamiliar. I've gotten way better with trying new foods, enjoying vegetables, and just generally eating healthier, but it's always something I have to think about. Food is so tied into my emotions. If I'm stressed out, I want a cookie. If I'm upset, I want a cookie. If I'm happy, I want a cookie. If I'm hanging out with a friend or it's a special occasion, I want a cookie. I love cookies. I want a cookie right now, and I'm in a bakery writing this, so it's a Herculean task to not go get one.
But here's the thing – weight loss always seemed so difficult to me (and it is, no doubt about it) and so unobtainable because eating healthy always seemed tedious and horrible. It was always about giving up things you love. Who wants to eat crappy food when you could eat good food? I almost cried the first night of the weight loss program, when everyone else was eating pizza and I ate a salad. It felt like a real loss. But I've learned that it doesn't have to be tedious and horrible. It doesn't have to feel like a loss. I've learned there are healthy foods I love and enjoy, and healthier versions of just about everything. Gradually over time the crappy food has started to taste less good and be less satisfying. This clean eating thing has felt like an adventure – Michael and I are cooking together, we're trying new things. And as for the cookies and the things I really love, I can still have them. I just have to fill in with good food that fuels my body and makes me feel better – and it does make me feel better. When I'm eating well, I feel lighter, more graceful, healthier. I feel better.
I say all this now but I know that there will be times where I gorge myself on nachos or cookies or chocolate. Tonight when I go to my parents' house to celebrate my brother's birthday there will be pizza and brownies and ice cream. Nobody wants to be the asshole who's eating a salad when everyone else is eating pizza. This weekend we'll be at the lake and there'll be delicious food that will be hard to resist. I'll want to eat it all, and it'll be easy to default back to old habits. And then it'll take me days to get back on track afterwards. It's always going to be a struggle. But I think I've realized that's just going to be life for me. As long as I can be healthy 80% of the time, the other 20% is okay. The other 20% is the blizzard. Just as long as I haven't spent the rest of the day eating cookies.