Perforation Problems

(Day Thirty-Seven) I went on my first run of 2014 today. I still can't believe I'm the kind of person who would type that sentence, but as I put on my bright green and pink running shoes, I felt sentimental about them. "Hello, old shoe friends." I ran very, very slow. Like so slow people could have probably walked and kept up with me. But that's not the point. I met four people while I was running. The first was a white-haired gentleman with his camera, which had a long lens on the end. He came upon me as I was cleaning up Clyde's poop (awkward), and then later, when I passed him, he stopped me to point out the heron high up in the trees. The next was a man standing in the brush along the side of the pond, fixing his fishing lure. He smiled and nodded as I passed the first time but then ignored me after that, which was fine with me. It's a lot of work to be social while red-faced and out-of-breath. The next time I came around the loop, there wa...

(Day Thirty-Six) This is going to be a short post because Michael and I have some Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze to play, and it's already almost 10 pm. I'm a couple chapters into the third book of the Divergent series, and I'm seeing what Michael is talking about. There was definitely something that happened in the second half of the second book -- the writing got a little distant, like the author was speeding through things and not taking her time to make you feel invested or like you're in the middle of what's happening. It was just plot point after plot point and no effort to pull you in. It was just off and on in the second book, but so far it's the entire third book. There have been times in my own writing when I've felt like I'm doing that, so I'd like to take some time and see if I can identify what the functional and mechanical differences are between the parts of book 1 that pull you in and the parts of book 3 that fail to do so...

(Day Thirty-Five) My dog and I are both watching what we eat right now -- he was told he was overweight today at his vet visit, so as you might expect, he's dealing with some self-esteem issues. Me, I'm just in the midst of my eternal and futile battle to control my cookie urges. So as I'm sitting here writing and chomping carrots I'm occasionally passing one over to him, too. Clyde loves carrots. Today was my future sister-in-law's bridal shower. It was a very nice shower -- well put together, and the games were fun instead of painful (which some shower games can be) -- but for some reason I always feel slightly uncomfortable at showers. I'm not sure exactly what it is. There's just such a heavy air of female tradition. I love the women in my family, and I do enjoy getting a chance to spend time with them without the men around, but I think showers make me feel uncomfortable because they're still so centered around traditional views of women. The ...

(Day Thirty-Four) Stupid Things You Have to Do When You're an Adult Buy wrapping paper Take your car in for oil changes  ...and tire rotations ...and 90,000 mile checkups Pretend you don't just want the grilled cheese, chicken tenders, and hot dogs off the kids' menu Make doctor and dentist appointments Fill out life insurance forms Wear socks that match Move old 401ks over to IRAs Buy HVAC systems and new roofs Take the trash out Clean the dog hair off the couch Clear the yard of dead branches Scrub stove trivets Buy placemats

(Day Thirty-Three) I got myself HOPPED up on lattes today, and it was great. I didn't even know I liked lattes until about a month ago, but here's the thing: they make chocolate ones. And I don't know why no one told me that. Today I got TWO Zebra lattes, which have white chocolate AND dark chocolate in them. I'm still a little hopped up on caffeine, if you can't tell. I'm typing really fast. Anyway, they're delicious. I love them. I have a question for you: What do you think about adding dinosaurs to your interior decorating scheme? I think it adds a certain special je ne sais quoi. (But I do sais quoi...it's dinosaurs). Michael sent me this today. I hope he knew I wouldn't take it as a joke and that I would really be interested in getting one. I've also always been a fan of these Restoration Hardware prints, but I can't find an affordable facsimile. (I know they're from their Baby & Child brand, but I don't care...

(Day Thirty-Two) I just finished the first of three books in the Divergent series. Michael read them before me and says they're so badly written he couldn't finish them -- that's pretty serious coming from Michael, because even he says he can't usually tell if something is badly written. So I'm surprised I liked the first book as much as I did, though really I shouldn't be. It's a popular series among teenage girls. Yeah, it's not the best writing, and there are some flaws in plot and character development. I would never put it at the top of my "must read" list. But the main character is brave, smart, and good, and the plot touches on one of my favorite themes -- that good and bad aren't black and white. Good people can be bad, and bad people can be good, and everyone has the capacity for both. The setting is interesting -- Chicago far, far in the future -- as are the rules and characteristics of the universe. Interjection: please for...

(Day Thirty-One) I've been messing with an O&C card tonight and it's just not working. Usually when that happens it means I'm on the wrong track, so I have to throw everything I have away and start over. It's tough because, like with any writing, you'll get attached to a particular line or phrase or thought that seems to GET IT, but eventually you gotta give in to the fact that it all has to go. Outta here. Then again, sometimes I think there's no hope for something, but the next morning those words that seemed ridiculous and wrong are perfectly fine and exactly what was needed. So I'll sleep on it. I'm not going to write much tonight because I'm sleepy and want to spend some time reading before bed, but I will say three things. 1) Have you realized how horrible the Weather Channel website is? It's seriously bad. Maybe 1/5 of each page is actually useful, weather-related content, and the rest is spammy mcspammerstein. 2) There's...

(Day Thirty) I woke up early this morning to make it to Cracker Barrel for a coworker's farewell breakfast. We're in the middle of that transition from winter to spring, where the temperatures are still low but the sun being out makes it feel like summer's a possibility. Somehow 27 degrees feels a little warmer than it did three weeks ago. I felt funny walking from my car to the restaurant. Cracker Barrel incites strange emotions in me -- in the parking lot I suddenly felt like a teenager again, getting off the bus during a band trip, happy to stretch my legs and still feeling the novelty of being in a different state without my parents. I walked up the stairs and past the rocking chairs on the porch, taking note of the antique-looking metal signs in the windows, and then my brain shifted from high school band trips to family vacations with my grandparents. Stepping between the displays in the store made me think of my grandma and how she always thought I needed those b...

(Day Twenty-Nine) A former boss once told me I was one of the most ambitious people he knew, a statement I immediately thought was ridiculous. I've never considered myself ambitious. I didn't pursue journalism because I knew I wouldn't want to fight for a story or chase after a lead. I've never really wanted to climb a corporate ladder or reach a certain status. I've never wanted to run for anything or compete in any way. All I've ever really wanted out of life was to do something I felt I was good at, to do my work well and to create a life that made me happy. But I also know there's a part of me that wants to be considered not necessarily the best at what I do, but at least one of the best. There's this sweet spot where you're in the upper echelon but not the person in the spotlight -- that's what I like. I want to be awesome but a little bit off on the sidelines. If I were a psychologist I'd say I like people's approval but don...

(Day Twenty-Eight) *Side note: Are you a "gray" or "grey" person? I used to be strictly "gray," but I've found myself leaning more towards "grey" lately. To be honest, neither looks right. I hate Gray Days. I can tell if it's going to be a Gray Day as soon as I wake up, even if I can't see outside, because I'll have a headache right behind my eyeballs, my nose will be stuffed up, and my head will feel clogged. It's extremely unpleasant. Today was a Gray Day. It has to have something to do with temperature changes and air pressure, or something of that meteorological nature, because it always happens on days when the sun is nowhere to be found. It's not as bad if I don't have to get in the car, but if we're driving anywhere, then I'll inevitably feel extremely sleepy, irritated, and headachy. Gray Day + car ride = bad news. So all I really wanted to do today was sleep. Instead we ended up driving to Koko...

(Day Twenty-Seven) Imagine the most ridiculous haircut Clyde could get. That's what happened today. It's so bad I feel too embarrassed on his behalf to even post a picture on here. It should not be memorialized in photographs. When the groomer asked me over the phone if I wanted a "short Springer cut," I thought I was going to get something like this: That's totally reasonable. That's not what Clyde looks like. Most of his hair is extremely short -- shorter than it's ever been, I think -- but then there are parts of him that look like they weren't even trimmed. He's got a huge bush of hair on his chest, and these weird hair puffs on his legs, but all the rest of him? Almost shaved. He looks like some demented cross-dressing poodle. Needless to say, he isn't happy. He spent the evening huddled on the couch like he'd been tortured. I think he must feel naked -- as he was eating his dinner, he didn't seem to want to leave his b...

I feel like the post I just wrote is potentially pretty depressing, so I wanted to follow it up with this: And truth is, I had a pretty good day, and I do feel pretty good. Maybe not "grate," but pretty good. SPRING IS TECHNICALLY HERE.

(Day Twenty-Six) I used to close my eyes whenever we passed something dead on the road, like I was saying my own kind of silent prayer to the animal's memory. I wouldn't think any words -- just close my eyes for a few seconds and feel sad in my stomach. I have this memory -- I don't know if it's real or something my childhood concocted -- of riding with my parents on the interstate and seeing a puppy fall out (or thrown?) from a car window. It sounds too horrible to have actually happened, which is why I want to have imagined it, but I remember my mom's gasp and the quiet of the minutes after. I don't know if that's when I started my moments of silence for the dead bodies I passed on the road, or if that's something separate, but that black puppy falling is an image that always lives somewhere in my head. Sometime recently I noticed I don't close my eyes for roadkill anymore. I guess everything becomes ordinary if you see it often enough. But thi...

(Day Twenty-Five) News flash: it's hard to get non-blurry pictures of two dogs. Clyde's cousin Bernard came to visit today. He's that brown blur trying to crawl underneath Clyde. Bernard is like a tornado whirling around poor, naive Clyde, who just stands there big-eyed, wide-stanced, and bewildered.  You might think this is Clyde trying to subdue Bernard, but no, it's Bernard coming up between Clyde's legs and trying to lick his ear.  But who can blame this face?  Once he started to figure out what "playing" was, Clyde had a blast. We had a pretty good time, too -- eating pierogies, talking, and marveling at Bernard's ability to decimate a rope toy in 60 seconds or less.  This week has been loads better than the last, with good friends coming to town, dinner with my brother, and bright spots on the horizon. There's also been a lot of good food, which hasn't really been great for the whole watching-what-I-ea...

(Day Twenty-Four) What's better: a dog that smells like smelly dog or one that smells like air freshener? It's a toss up, but I'm leaning towards a dog that smells like smelly dog. Don't worry -- I didn't spray Clyde with air freshener. But I did douse him in coconut lime verbena doggie dry shampoo. (I'm serious. It's a real thing .) That was my attempt to control his smelliness until his hair cut on Friday. I'm going to state a series of things that are facts.  It's only Tuesday. It's the second-half of March already.  I'm really sleepy.  It's only Tuesday.  I need to get up and brush my teeth, but it's so much work.  It's so cold out still.  I ate a lot of cheese today.  Clyde smells.  I seem to resort to lists when I can't think of something to write about. 

(Day Twenty-Three) I told Michael I didn't know what to write about tonight, and he said, "Write about the tulips." I said, "That's like one sentence. 'I bought some tulips at the grocery store because they looked pretty.'" They do look pretty. I don't buy flowers very often because it seems like a waste -- they never last very long, and then you just end up throwing them away. But today tulips just seemed bright and spring-like and necessary , and they reminded me of my mother for some reason and the tulips that grew in our yard growing up. Maybe I'll plant some this fall in the front yard, after I get rid of that horrid, bristly evergreen ground cover that fills up the front flower bed. Gardening is one of those things I wish I knew more about, but when it comes down to it, it's just a lot of work. That's the story of everything -- it'd be nice to be an expert, but it's so much work. That's why being an expe...

(Day Twenty-Two) This is one of the last little snow piles in our yard. That particular pile used to be a good four feet tall. Though we've had a couple 50 degree days now (and one glorious 70), the snow is hangin' in there. It's like Mother Nature is taunting us.  "Here, remember what sunlight is? Remember what it used to be like to go outside without a coat, hat, gloves, scarf, and multiple layers of clothing? Good, now enjoy it for a second, then I'm going to rip it away again."  So today was in the 30s again and tomorrow has a low of 18. It's no wonder people get depressed. But if we can make it through tomorrow, the rest of the week should be in the 50s. Little green things are sprouting up in various places in the yard -- there is hope.  I said I was going to try to write something slightly more interesting today, but I lied. I've got nothing. I spent my whole day watching Scandal. 

(Day Twenty-One) Today was a pretty good day. Whenever I have a pretty good day, I like to try to identify the things that actually made it good -- so I can do more of them, I suppose. Here's what I think were what made today good: I got to sleep in. It was a busy day, but it was productive and almost everything I did was something I wanted to do There was talk of the future. We met with the contractor to talk about finishing the attic, and though the quote was more than we expected it to be (that's probably not abnormal, is it?), it's still exciting to think of the possibilities and how great those rooms could be. Time with Michael. We took Clyde on a walk and did a lot of talking, both about the attic and about life in general. Food. I had waffles for breakfast and McAlisters (mac n' cheese!) for dinner. Then I came home and made cookies. So basically it was a very satisfying food day. And somehow I still kept it under 1200 calories, so I feel pretty good...

(Day Twenty) Twenty days of writing posts! That's pretty good. It's becoming a habit, which is the most important thing. I'm going to use the oneword.com prompt today -- the word is "swimmer." Here ya go. Swimmer Swimming used to be my jam, yo. From the ages of whenever-I-learned-to-swim to probably 13, swimming was the highlight of summer. I remember long, hot bike rides around the neighborhood, trying to find someone who would let us swim in their pool. We were very rarely successful, but it was such an intense longing to slide into that cool, clear water. At the lake, I'd make sure I was the last person out of the water, as if it were a matter of pride. One more time under the water, I'd say to myself, ducking my head under as my family waited impatiently in the boat. Whenever we went to stay in hotels, whether or not the hotel had a pool was far more important than where we actually were traveling. It was so important that I developed a ritua...

(Day Nineteen) Daily writing for today is over on the O&C blog. I feel 90% better today that I did two days ago, so things are looking up. The snot is almost gone. I probably just jinxed it. We had a stress management workshop today during lunch. It was your standard "learn to relax" and "prioritize" spiel, with a financial sponsorship twist. There were Forum Credit Union pens, a pamphlet about opening a savings account, and a giant, somewhat stressful chart about how your stress levels would decrease as you aged IF you managed to pay off your debts and save for retirement. Thanks, Forum. I did learn two interesting things: a person can handle three big stressors at once  chewing gum helps relieve stress  You're welcome.

(Day Eighteen) I'm in a slightly better mood at the moment. Work is a little more under control, my sickness is slightly better, and I just finished writing some Olive & Clyde copy. We have 15 cards under our belt now, with at least 7 more in the queue. Our progress over the last two weeks has been crazy. Basically we're awesome. I was thinking this morning that there should be some kind of plugin or app that restricts your Facebook access. It's such a time waster, and very little good comes from it. There's absolutely no reason I need to check it more than 2-3 times a day. I usually just get annoyed at what people say on it, anyway, and is there ever really a need for me to know that a guy I knew in high school ate at an Italian restaurant tonight but wasn't happy with his entree? No. It's just routine at this point. Wake up, check social media. Break from meetings? Check social media. There used to be a time when you didn't have to get likes on y...

(Day Seventeen) I'm in some serious need of mental recalibration, so I'm going to make a list of things that are awesome: Couches and blankets and the time to enjoy them Dogs that are furry and like to cuddle Godiva Dessert Truffles The first sunny, warm days of spring after a really horrible winter A few unanticipated extra hours to yourself Friends and loved ones who don't hate you when you're grumpy 70 degree weather It's always AT MOST only 5 days till a weekend. Plants vs. Zombies Tuning the world out New underwear That's all I've got. I was in a funk today -- essentially the mood that started yesterday continued through all of today and I'm not seeing it changing the rest of the week. I am MOROSE and the world is HORRIBLE and people are STUPID and clearly NOTHING GOOD will happen FOREVER. Forget the fact my life is really pretty good and I'm extremely lucky. IT'S ALL HORRIBLE.  I'll snap out of it eventually. I j...

(Day Sixteen. This counts, so suck it.) I am grumpy today. I'm tired of all the shit other people want me to do. Does typing sentences like this make this post a poem? No. Everyone sucks.

(Day Fifteen) I'm so, so, so sad the weekend is over. They go so quickly. Today was an extremely lazy day. Because of the time change, I woke up even "later" than normal on a Sunday, and then while I spent a couple hours finishing Olive & Clyde's taxes and doing some actual work work (I had to -- it's becoming necessary if I want to stay on top of things and not be at the office until 9pm each night), I spent most of the day watching episodes of Scandal. One after the other...I can't help it. They know what they're doing. Each episode ends with you going, "Oh, I can't leave it there. I have to watch just one more to see what happens." I'm going to be seriously bereft when I run out of episodes. I made myself take a break to write this post and to work on some Mothers' Day copy for O&C. I guess there was one other thing I did today -- cleaned up my photo folders and Dropbox. My computer was running out of space, and as I ...

(Day Fourteen) For the second day in a row I woke up in the middle of the night with a coughing fit.  Okay, today it was 7 am, but on the weekends that counts as the middle of the night. This cough is being extremely tenacious. At least this morning it gave me the opportunity to write down the crazy dream I'd just had, so lucky you gets to hear it. (Moriya, this involves a zombie attack. You might not want to read it.) Scene One:  I'm in a house on the beach, under a covered porch looking out on the ocean. Waves come in and out, and people are playing in the surf. Clyde is romping around me, chasing / playing with a calico cat. The cat runs outside -- Clyde follows. I yell at them to come back in, but of course they don't listen. They run straight into the water, both of them, making a big circle that takes them out into the water, back into the house, out into the water. Then a huge wave comes -- I can see it in the distance. People start yelling and running toward...

(Day Thirteen) This post is going to a bit rambling. It's Friday evening. I would say Friday evening is probably the best part of the weekend -- the weekend is just starting, so you haven't lost any of it yet. Sometimes I have obligations on Saturday or Sunday, or there are things I want to get done or work on, but Friday evenings are usually just Michael and me. No obligations, no responsibilities, just the whole wide weekend ahead of you. I also tend to be really sleepy on Fridays, so it seems best to just lay around on the couch. Okay, it always seems best to just lay around on the couch, Friday or not. My plans tonight are to watch some Scandal -- I'm already in my PJs with the blanket on top of me. Problem is I have this stupid effing writing challenge I have to do, first. (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Today was a busy day, like all days have been lately at work. There are a couple big, multiple-moving-parts projects I've been working on, and managing the details seems to ...

(Day Twelve) When my grandparents were dating, back when they both were in high school, my grandpa took my grandma driving one day. As he was turning a corner, the passenger door fell open and dumped my grandma out on the road. She sat there and refused to get up until he came back for her. That's about the extent of the details I know about that event, but I've always liked to imagine the rest and fill in the gaps. They laugh about it now, but was she upset when it happened? Where were they going? There must not have been other cars around -- they were most likely out on a country road. He was probably driving the 1934 Ford he always talks about. I have no doubt he was driving too fast -- he always drives too fast. Did he feel bad that he knocked his girlfriend out of the car into the road? Did he make up for it later? My grandparents have been together for 54 years. When you've been together that long, do you even remember your life without each other? I'm not s...

(Day Eleven) Guys, I just spent 30 minutes trying to come up with a topic, but I got so tired. I've been feeling sick all week and it's starting to come to a head -- my throat hurts, and my head is hot and I'm just so. freaking. exhausted. So I think I'm going to do a lazy-assed post and then go to be early -- if 10:30pm counts as early, and in my world it does. I'm going to describe my earliest memory of really getting into trouble: Early elementary school, Columbus, Ohio. Winterset Elementary. I'm out on the playground with a group of kids, a group of troublemakers, chief of which is my "boyfriend," Ryan Butts. (That was his real name. The second memory I have of getting into trouble is when my teacher told me I shouldn't make fun of people's names, even if their last name is Butts.) We're hiding in one of those giant cement tunnel things on the playground, one of those things that now that I think about it might be more a cons...

(Day Ten) So I technically already wrote something today -- a post  (if you can call it that) over at Olive & Clyde -- but I feel like I can muster something up for here, too. Of course my post on O&C is about cookies. It took me about 5 minutes because when it comes to cookies the words start flowing like batter into a cake pan. I just mixed my desserts in that last sentence but I feel okay about it. Moriya and I have been on a roll with Olive & Clyde this week, and it's making me happy. It's so much fun to create things. Being active with writing and our little side business definitely makes me feel more myself. Soon we shall have ourselves a full-fledged card inventory. In other news, I experienced a short-lived burst of productivity in other areas over the last 48 hours, as well, finally filling out the form to change my name on my life insurance policy, picking up the dress for my brother's wedding in May, and getting Michael's tux measurements. N...

(Day Nine) I found this nice little drawing I made my parents when I was a kid: You can see from my use of colors and lines that I was a very creative kid. It's like the lines are a multi-colored pyramid that just shot out a pink flower. Clearly a symbolic representation of love. Clearly.  You'll also notice that this paper is stapled to another paper on all four corners. When I peeked inside, I saw this:  "Dear Mom and Dad,  I love you very much.  But why does Matt have  to be so mean?"  A secret message detailing the sadistic nature of my little brother, hidden not-so-well behind my love flower pyramid explosion. A secret message I must have felt guilty about yet still thought necessary, given it's presence despite the scribbling out with black crayon.   My brother's not really mean. I love him. He's just extremely annoying and has an insane ability to pester people to death. It's like a talent for him. That's...

Write what you really think and mean, not what you think you should think and not what you thought you would think and not what you hope it will mean, but what is really authentic and true. Susan Orlean, from Advicetowriters.com (Day Eight) It snowed again today. Not the 5-11 inches they said we might get, but enough that Michael had to shovel twice and Clyde had snow in his fur after each of his hourly romps outside. This weekend's weather brings it to more than 52 inches of snow this winter, making 2013-2014 the snowiest winter in Indianapolis history. I don't mind the snow that much, though there have been a few too many slow, icy drives to and from work for my liking. It's the cold that gets to me. There are mornings where I step out of the door and immediately feel the air stinging my legs through my jeans; that expression about the cold or winter "biting" has a lot of truth to it. Negative temperatures are physically painful. They make my joints i...

(Day Seven) I realized today that the "last day of vacation" blurb I copied into my post in "November" had already been mentioned on the blog -- I actually took that blurb and finished it in a post back in August.  It's pretty bad when you repeat yourself on your own blog. I almost did it again tonight when I started to write about how as a kid I was afraid of the house catching fire, a topic I covered back in July. Some topics or milestones in your life bear repeating in your writing -- I know I'll come back to certain memories again and again, drawn to them because they confuse me or hurt me or make me feel something large. F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote about wealthy, entitled, spoiled blonds many times before he got to Daisy Buchanan. It's a kind of therapy to write about an issue multiple times -- to circle it and catch it at different angles -- until you feel you understand it enough to let it go. I feel like I'm getting something out of these...

(Day Six) Love Letter to my Husband I like being by myself And I don't want to ever be The kind of couple that can't function  Or enjoy being apart But I also know being away from home Means being away from you Which means being only part myself  Which means I lay here half drunk Two hours away Writing you a shitty love letter.