Ambition
(Day Twenty-Nine)
A former boss once told me I was one of the most ambitious people he knew, a statement I immediately thought was ridiculous. I've never considered myself ambitious. I didn't pursue journalism because I knew I wouldn't want to fight for a story or chase after a lead. I've never really wanted to climb a corporate ladder or reach a certain status. I've never wanted to run for anything or compete in any way. All I've ever really wanted out of life was to do something I felt I was good at, to do my work well and to create a life that made me happy.
But I also know there's a part of me that wants to be considered not necessarily the best at what I do, but at least one of the best. There's this sweet spot where you're in the upper echelon but not the person in the spotlight -- that's what I like. I want to be awesome but a little bit off on the sidelines. If I were a psychologist I'd say I like people's approval but don't like the pressure of having to be in the spotlight. It's not something I love about myself -- I do want to feel accomplished and successful because it makes me feel happy, but I think wanting people's approval impacts my decisions a little bit too much. That's probably true of a lot of people.
So I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes me happy and what kind of life I want to create for myself. When you're in school the steps are easy to see -- get good grades, make teachers happy. Get a scholarship, get in a good college. Pick a major, pass all your tests, graduate. And then you get a job, and you start to look for the same kinds of steps to indicate you're succeeding. Get a good annual review. Get a raise. Get a promotion.
But the thing is that all of these steps depend on someone else telling you you're doing a good job. At what point do you figure out for yourself whether or not you're doing a good job? At what point do you feel like a success, not because someone tells you you are or aren't but because you're proud of yourself and happy? At what point do you stop trying to achieve the next pre-defined step?
If I think about the things that make me happy, many of them have nothing to do with these steps for success. Some of them do. I'm happy when I get to mentor people at work and help them in ways that are more about them growing than they are necessarily a requirement of my job. I like figuring out problems and making complicated projects into something simple. I like being good at what I do and the recognition that comes from that, whether it's speaking at a conference or getting positive feedback from someone. I've learned a lot and I can do a lot of things -- that makes me feel happy and successful.
But I was also happy today when I made pretzels. I'm happy when I write these stupid blog posts. I'm happy when Moriya and I work on plans for Olive & Clyde, and I'm happy when I'm just messing around with my camera.
So with all these things that make me happy, you'd think I'd be happy right now, overall. I'm not. I don't feel happy. It feels a little selfish to even say that because I have so many things to feel happy about. I'm very lucky. I have a lot, both in terms of people who love me and in good things going for me. Add to that the fact that I'm not 100% sure why I'm not happy, and you just have a giant pile of indecision.
It could have something to do with work/life balance -- there are a million things I want to learn and enjoy that I just don't make time for right now. It could also be a matter of stress -- I feel like I spend a lot of time dreading or feeling anxious about all of the things I have to do and all the expectations placed upon me. Some of that is made worse because of the expectations I have for myself -- I don't give myself permission to say no. It could be because I haven't completely figured out my purpose yet. I'm not sure. I've been thinking a lot about the fact that you get only one life -- I want to make sure I'm making the most of it and living every moment, not just letting days and months and years go by.
So I don't really know what this all means or what I should do, but I am starting to think that maybe my boss was right -- I am ambitious, if not in the traditional sense. If I wasn't ambitious, maybe I wouldn't be thinking about these things. Maybe I'd be happy with the status quo. Who knows. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep writing my little blog posts, working on O&C, and thinking through all this stuff, because you really do only get one life.
Here's a pretzel:
A former boss once told me I was one of the most ambitious people he knew, a statement I immediately thought was ridiculous. I've never considered myself ambitious. I didn't pursue journalism because I knew I wouldn't want to fight for a story or chase after a lead. I've never really wanted to climb a corporate ladder or reach a certain status. I've never wanted to run for anything or compete in any way. All I've ever really wanted out of life was to do something I felt I was good at, to do my work well and to create a life that made me happy.
But I also know there's a part of me that wants to be considered not necessarily the best at what I do, but at least one of the best. There's this sweet spot where you're in the upper echelon but not the person in the spotlight -- that's what I like. I want to be awesome but a little bit off on the sidelines. If I were a psychologist I'd say I like people's approval but don't like the pressure of having to be in the spotlight. It's not something I love about myself -- I do want to feel accomplished and successful because it makes me feel happy, but I think wanting people's approval impacts my decisions a little bit too much. That's probably true of a lot of people.
So I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes me happy and what kind of life I want to create for myself. When you're in school the steps are easy to see -- get good grades, make teachers happy. Get a scholarship, get in a good college. Pick a major, pass all your tests, graduate. And then you get a job, and you start to look for the same kinds of steps to indicate you're succeeding. Get a good annual review. Get a raise. Get a promotion.
But the thing is that all of these steps depend on someone else telling you you're doing a good job. At what point do you figure out for yourself whether or not you're doing a good job? At what point do you feel like a success, not because someone tells you you are or aren't but because you're proud of yourself and happy? At what point do you stop trying to achieve the next pre-defined step?
If I think about the things that make me happy, many of them have nothing to do with these steps for success. Some of them do. I'm happy when I get to mentor people at work and help them in ways that are more about them growing than they are necessarily a requirement of my job. I like figuring out problems and making complicated projects into something simple. I like being good at what I do and the recognition that comes from that, whether it's speaking at a conference or getting positive feedback from someone. I've learned a lot and I can do a lot of things -- that makes me feel happy and successful.
But I was also happy today when I made pretzels. I'm happy when I write these stupid blog posts. I'm happy when Moriya and I work on plans for Olive & Clyde, and I'm happy when I'm just messing around with my camera.
So with all these things that make me happy, you'd think I'd be happy right now, overall. I'm not. I don't feel happy. It feels a little selfish to even say that because I have so many things to feel happy about. I'm very lucky. I have a lot, both in terms of people who love me and in good things going for me. Add to that the fact that I'm not 100% sure why I'm not happy, and you just have a giant pile of indecision.
It could have something to do with work/life balance -- there are a million things I want to learn and enjoy that I just don't make time for right now. It could also be a matter of stress -- I feel like I spend a lot of time dreading or feeling anxious about all of the things I have to do and all the expectations placed upon me. Some of that is made worse because of the expectations I have for myself -- I don't give myself permission to say no. It could be because I haven't completely figured out my purpose yet. I'm not sure. I've been thinking a lot about the fact that you get only one life -- I want to make sure I'm making the most of it and living every moment, not just letting days and months and years go by.
So I don't really know what this all means or what I should do, but I am starting to think that maybe my boss was right -- I am ambitious, if not in the traditional sense. If I wasn't ambitious, maybe I wouldn't be thinking about these things. Maybe I'd be happy with the status quo. Who knows. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep writing my little blog posts, working on O&C, and thinking through all this stuff, because you really do only get one life.
Here's a pretzel: